but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
