my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
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You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize