i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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