She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
