I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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