a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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