my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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