How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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