I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
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I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
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When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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