Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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