I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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