Why does Corona taste like a burp?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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