Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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