K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.