Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
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He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
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We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.