There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.