I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day