Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
