walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
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