And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
