I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
