he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
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Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
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Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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