DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
