i dont even know how to be here
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
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Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
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Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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