im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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