when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
