I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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