who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
