seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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