Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
