She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
