What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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