I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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