Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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