I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
