"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i think i just lost a toe
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