Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I stole a fireplace last night.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
