Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
