I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
