What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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