Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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