Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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