you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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