508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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