dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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