Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
