My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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