Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
did you just send me my own nude
my liver is dry heaving
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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