i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
