So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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