I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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