just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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