Who wears a wallet chain?!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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