Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
my poor anus
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
