I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
