I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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