Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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