i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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