I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
